Are We Answering the Call to Friendship in a Lonely World?

Is the rise in polyamory in the zeitgeist a reaction to our inability to do friendship well? A wonderful friend (and profound teacher) of mine, Dr. Cara Miller, sent me a video asking that very question. The core question here isn’t about polyamory, but rather it’s about friendship. 

In my personal experience, the pandemic and my own life trajectory combined for a unique moment of less and less friendship in my life. Surely, I’m blessed to have some good friends, but I’m absolutely not showing up in the dutiful role as a good friend to nearly anyone and I also suffer in my own ways of not having friendships as prominent in my life. If I were alone, I wouldn’t be writing this sentence. 

Ester Perel offers a similar notion that she observes we place too much responsibility on our romantic partners. The idea that any one person will fill all of life’s needs is a ridiculous and unfair premise. Maybe our romantic partners don’t need to also be our best business sounding board and travel companion and intellectual push partner and business confidant and curators of the arts and, and, and, and.. 

What does this mean about friendship?

I think it’s a specific and unique role. Dr. Miller and I have played with the idea of what it would mean to define a developmental friendship or even a spiritual friendship. These are seeds of something specific, but I think that’s the punchline here. 

We’re struggling as a community in the friendship category because the role of “friend” has lost specific dutiful meaning. I vow to learn my duty and create more of it in the world of friendship. And, I hope you do, too.