Failed Boundary Setting: Two Ways

The following is an excerpt from the Leadership Laboratory weekly lessons. If you’re curious about developing your leadership capacity, head over to HoldTheStandard.com now!

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If you say the word “boundaries” three times in a row, a Life Coach from Venice Beach will appear — so, be careful. However, you’re a leader and you need boundaries that work. So, let’s dive in!

Poor functioning boundaries don’t work. 

Lately, I’ve done some work with a remarkable therapist named Vienna Pharaon, who has led an incredible conversation surrounding people as they relate to their family of origin. Like virtually any therapy work, boundaries come up and according to Vienna there are two common boundary faults:

1. POROUS BOUNDARIES. People pleasers, this is you! These are boundaries that aren’t rigid enough to do what they’re intended to do. Folks with porous boundaries overshare, are susceptible to codependence, constantly seek out validation, and make personal sacrifices to be in others’ good graces.
   
   This boundary fault often presents itself when holding boundaries threatens something associated with a deep wound. Unsure what your wound is? It likely is or is connected to 1) wanting to feel worthy, 2) wanting to belong, 3) wanting to be prioritized, 4) wanting to trust, or 5) wanting to feel safe.
2. RIGID BOUNDARIES. If you struggle to trust people, this could be you. These boundaries avoid vulnerability and protect personal information and present as unreasonable. People with walled up boundaries are also protecting something. It’s almost always protecting from getting hurt.
   
   Rigid boundaries destroy relationships and collaboration just like porous boundaries, but just from a different angle. 

Action favors the bold. 

You won’t need to risk your biggest fear to change your boundary style, but you will need some courage. See the actions below as a means to safely tackle ineffective boundaries.

 

 

 

 

 

TAKE ACTION:

1. AUDIT. What wound is your ineffective boundary protecting? What are you afraid will happen if you replace your ineffective boundary with an effective one? What are you choosing to emphasize if you maintain a porous or rigid boundary?
2. PRACTICE. Assess what you need to both honor yourself and feel safe. Take action!