Kill Your Pantry

You know that special skill you have? It’s that thing where you can put down a pint of ice cream or an entire bag of chips in no time. It’s quite impressive. I’d like to add, though, that it’s not unique.

I have it, too.

In fact, everyone has it. The reason everyone is because virtually our entire multi-million year evolution has been met with deathly food scarcity. Pantries, having three meals a day, and even having discerning food preferences are hilariously novel concepts in the context of human existence. The connivence of not liking liver, for example, wasn’t a thing (until now).

In fact, the idea that we can kill ourselves with sugar is only really possible in these modern times. We’re hardwired to consume any and all glucose rich foods because coming across these foods was so rare and, at best, seasonal throughout the bulk of human history that it behooved us to do so. Nature was our “portion control” (whatever that is).

Not only have we removed food scarcity all together, we’ve also created pseudo-foods that have unlimited shelf-life and we’ve designed them to be physiologically addictive. Morbidly speaking, at least the gnarliest of junkies are often strapped for cash and don’t have a pantry of dope in their home. Yet, as addicts of a different kind, we’re sugar rich and we think we’ll just use careful moderation as our safeguard here.

My two cents? Let yourself off the hook. Stop telling people you have a “sweet tooth” and that you should be better about your portions, because “what can you do?” It’s not that you have a sweet tooth, it’s that you are a human. Pancakes and cookies are amazing. Period.

You can’t be trusted, and neither can I, so don’t create that environment. Buy food that goes bad fast. Collect Pokemon cards instead of shelf-stable food. And, when you want to eat food that will kill you, make it an ordeal. Go out in public, sit at a restaurant, order all that goodness with some friends, and laugh about it. Kill your pantry.


Logan Gelbrich


4/3/17 WOD


Complete the following for time:

400m Run

40 Squats

30 Situps

20 Pushups

10 Pullups



Then, Find a Heavy Double in the Deadlift..