Saying yes, saying no

Why is it often easier to accept invitations in real time, in person, and to decline them in delayed time, not in person?

A surface level answer might chalk it up to something like, “I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”

A more useful answer would address an underlying reason for why we carefully craft what we say (and don’t say): relational dialectics.

Relational dialectics identify common points of tension within relationships. Not as either side being right or wrong – but as pushes & pulls that need to be managed. Per relational dialectics theory, communication is necessary for this management, as it’s the means by which people make sense of their social world. The three major dialectics include:

• Integration: the tension between connection & autonomy
• Certainty: the tension between predictability & novelty
• Expression: the tension between openness & closedness

All too often, instead of a clear no, we say/hear things like, “Oh, that sounds great”, “I’ll reach out!”, or (my favorite) “Yeah, I’ll let you know.” And, are these responses really serving anyone?

I encourage you to pronounce your no’s as directly as your yes’s. If declining an offer still seems daunting, try reframing it to observe every no as also a yes. This way, you honor your individual preference and demonstrate effort towards managing a meaningful relationship. As in, Yes, I see you. No, not for me.

 

Kimmy Moss

@kimmy.moss

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